Before We Begin
by AViewerLikeMe
Summary: "Master. . .I've disappointed you. I haven't been very appreciative of your training. I've been arrogant. . .and I apologize. I've just been so frustrated with the council." Obi-Wan sees through the apology to the cry for help. AU ROTS Vignette.


_Disclaimer: everything belongs to George Lucas. Title inspired by a Broadcast song_

 **Before We Begin**

 _Here again at the end_

 _Before the beginning_

 _So the salt will spill again_

 _Throw it over your shoulder_

 _Oh it's in tomorrow, fortune or sorrow_

 _Wait, you may win_

 _I don't mean to show that I know how this goes_

 _Before we begin_

 _Again_

"Master. . .I've disappointed you. I haven't been very appreciative of your training. I've been arrogant. . .and I apologize. I've just been so frustrated with the council."

Contrary to what the Galaxy would have you believe, Obi-Wan is not a Jedi.

He has followed nearly all of the Jedi Code, a fact for which his own apprentice sneers at him. He has never killed an unarmed enemy. He has never willingly killed at all, unless his life was in danger. He shuns his defeatism, his aggression. He carries only the most essential material items. He is honest, he is honorable, he is loyal, and he is humbly wise. He has rendered aid, defended the weak, served the republic, and conquered recklessness within himself. The world calls him the Negotiator for his brilliant work in the Clone Wars. He is a Master in every sense of the word.

Except. . .

He has not conquered his external loyalties.

He has not shunned his attachments.

And he has not honored his Padawan.

He realizes this failure in the moment it takes to absorb what Anakin is saying, through tight lips and stormy eyes. For the first time in three years, Obi-Wan examines Anakin; the scar over his eye has never really healed, his sun-tanned skin, the sharpened angles of his face, the lowered pitch of his voice, the circles under his eyes, and the mouth that smiles more out of wry satisfaction than actually joy. _Where have I been?_ Obi-Wan asks himself. And then he remembers-right there in the line of fire with Anakin. Maybe Anakin looks at his old Master and realizes he's different too.

This war has changed him. This war has changed them both.

But can the war be blamed for this major chasm between them? Could the problem have been rectified years before, if Obi-Wan had tried to model his teaching around the fragile heart he had taken in? Could he have eased up a bit on the scolding, maybe not "put him in his place" in front of Senator Amidala, perhaps? Could he have told Anakin that he knew about his relationship, but would never tell the Council, not a day in his life? Could he have appreciated when Anakin made a daring decision out of good intentions, even if it wasn't in line with his teachings? Could he have opened the lines of communication, supported, understood, rewarded, _reminded_ him?

As a Jedi Master, Obi-Wan is supposed to let go of what he fears to lose. He would have done a grand job of that if it hadn't been for Anakin. Perhaps that is why he cannot stow his emotions away this time.

"Anakin," he says abruptly. "Do you consider me a friend?"

Anakin looks dumbstruck. "O-of course, Master-" he splutters.

"Do you trust me?" Obi-Wan presses on.

Anakin's eyes dart left to right, but he answers, "Yes!"

"Completely, Anakin? Would you tell me anything that was bothering you, anything that is important to you? Do you know that if you needed me to keep a secret, I would guard it with my life?"

Anakin's answer dies in his throat. He stares at his Master with an open mouth.

Obi-Wan can't stop. "Do you truly understand that everything I've done, even what you didn't like, was to make you the best you can be? Do you _feel_ it? Have you ever felt it, Anakin?"

". . .Felt what, Master?"

If this is what a breaking heart feels like, Obi-Wan would rip the offending organ out of his body in an instant.

"How much I care for you," he replied, his shoulders sagging, "in spite of the damned Code. How much I want you to be happy and healthy and well. How much I believe in your potential, even if I have to be sharp with you. How proud I am of you, the man you've become, the Jedi you are." He takes a breath to catch himself, but another truth slips out. "And how I wish there'd never been a war. . .I hate going on these missions. . .with you. . .not knowing if you'll take one too many chances this time and I'll have to _bury_ you." On the last sentence, he hisses like it cost him his vocals to get it out.

Anakin's open mouth is wobbling, as if trying to form words. No need. The shock and emotion in his blue eyes tell Obi-Wan what the answer to hill questions are, even if the Padawan will never say it out loud.

The Master sighs and grips his friend's shoulder. "If you really don't know that by now, then it is I who should apologize to you."

Anakin's adam's apple is bobbing up and down with the force of his swallow. "I-I," he tries hoarsely, "I don't know what to say."

Obi-Wan sighs. "Say that one day you'll forgive me?"

"Master, there's nothing to forgive-"

"Don't call me that," Obi-wan cuts across sharply. "I am not your Master. I am your friend."

"You are my _brother,"_ Anakin declares, looking affronted. "You-You are my _father!_ I never meant to-I never meant to not tell you-" his voice falters and he grabs Obi-wan's shoulder too.

They're standing at the tail-end of a war against Separatists and stepping into a new one, a war against barriers. Everything right and wrong, good and bad, has culminated into this moment of truth. The force of revelation can be painful. But sore muscles mean they are strengthening.

"We have a lot to talk about," Obi-wan finally says, "when I get back."

Anakin looks up from his feet with reddened eyes and fragile resolve.

"Yes, Master. We do."

"You don't have to call me that, Anakin."

Anakin sniffed harshly. "I want to. You're the only one I know who deserves the title."

Obi-Wan smiles reluctantly. "It won't be long before you get the title yourself. Trust me."

 _Always._ The word pops in his head, in Anakin's voice, and Anakin is staring at his Master, his _friend,_ intently.

It takes the will of the Force to force down the lump in the older man's throat. Dropping his hand from Anakin's shoulder, he says, "I must be going now. Hopefully to end this war once and for all."

Anakin nods fervently, suddenly grinning devilishly. "Don't get into anything you'd need me to save you from!"

That cocky humor would have annoyed Obi-Wan on any other day. Today, he pulls a mock-stern expression and retorts, "This is exactly why I don't want you saving me anymore! It's gone to your head!"

"Would you expect anything else?" Anakin asks, laughing, and Obi-Wan adjusts his robe and makes to walk down the ramp to his ship.

A smile breaks through his facade. "Not a single thing else."

In the final minute of silence they spend, silently saying goodbye (until they meet again, but they _have_ to meet again), Obi-Wan thinks of the young boy he met on Tattooine who had so eagerly shaken his hand upon introduction. How bright his eyes were, how innocent his heart was. That boy is still in there, beneath the steely gaze and black leather. And thank the Force for the child inside the man who makes Obi-Wan not quite a Jedi.

He is almost halfway down the ramp when Anakin calls out his name. He turns around to look at his former Padawan, shrouded in the shadows, a pillar of uncertainty.

"May the force be with you."

 _Don't die._

"Goodbye, old friend. May the force be with you."

 _I'll try._

…

A/N: I've never thought that anyone could really stop Anakin from falling but Obi-Wan, if Obi-Wan had been able to sense his turmoil and address it. I wished that interaction could have happened. But it didn't. So I have fan fiction. :') Feedback is always appreciated. I hope you enjoyed it!


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